The room in my heart

There was a room in my heart
its walls stained by the tides of tears
and the jagged graffiti of hurtful words
its floors sagging from old expectations
and cluttered with the lead-grey jetsam
of our broken hopes.

I spent a year cleaning the room in my heart
Scrubbing the walls with shredding tissues
soaked in the tears and snot brought up
from the deepest secrets of my heart.
Separating out what was mine to repair
from what was yours.

Now, outside the room in my heart
Sits a bag full of the clutter that you
left behind you, said you did not own.
If you dare to open the zip, you’ll see
the parting gifts that my hands have made
from our love’s flotsam.

Your private door to the room in my heart
has vanished forever. So you’ll have to imagine
how freshly the colours gleam. How the walls
(stripped back to stone and plastered anew)
are damp-proofed and caressed with sun.
But not for you.

For the room in my heart is at last swept clean.
And its new door is ready to open.

A few days ago I sent my last message in the recent e-mail exchange with my ex. Gently, and affectionately – but also firmly, having set my boundaries and said what I needed to say. Which actually was surprisingly little!

I’m now pretty sure that he won’t respond. Which is absolutely fine with me. There was very little chance we could regain anything meaningful. What I wanted was to express some things I had been unable to say at the time. And feel that I had brought the messiness of last year to an appropriate end. An end that is fitting for the spirit of the good times rather than fraught with the pain of the bad times.

For several hours after I sent the message I felt a deep sense of peace and joy. And this poem tries to capture some of that feeling.

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8 responses to “The room in my heart

  1. I comment on two types of blogs:

    1. People I know and where I believe the author reads the comments and might actually be looking for ideas and different takes.
    2. On rare occasion, joined in to reinforce others’ comments in their post. It is fruitless to argue with people in comments – or mostly anywhere on the internet – but sometimes it can be enjoyable (and, in a rare case, even constructive) to agree with other commenters.

    That being said, your poem struck a chord with me, well done!

  2. Hi controversial1 – glad the poem struck a chord. I certainly read all the comments and enjoy people’s perspectives, so long as they’re thoughtful and constructive!

  3. today i walk away in my heart from this marathon, it has change my life i pray God forgive’s me . i was willing to try willing to hope ,willing to fight willing to love my love for her is agape that being said i must walk and let her be in peace not just in the flesh but in the spirit i shall keep the good memories in a safe place and the bad will get thrown out in the garbarge…………….remember i was willing

  4. This is a very powerful poem — a lot of hard won wisdom and strength.

  5. The calm tone of the poem tells me you have found peace through this grief. God bless.

  6. Congratulations on moving through your grief and coming out the other side. Your poem is beautifully done and a good teaching guide for others on how to cope with such loss and pain.

  7. I enjoyed your words that are so descriptive of the healing process – nice work, for sure!

  8. Pingback: What remains… « Words that sing

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