Enthralled heart

I look back at memories blurred by long-ago tears
And cannot recall why my heart was so eager
To trap itself in a cage of hopes and fears
In the hope of a reward that now appears so meagre

Locked up my willpower, threw away the key
Abandoned my self esteem for the poor substitute
Of glittering compliments that seemed as true to me
As the later criticism I gave up the power to refute

And peering back at those tear-faded remembrances
I feel pity and anger for him as well as for me
For the fear and confusion that were such hindrances
That they ended our love short of what we dreamed it could be

But even after months of working to free my heart from pain
Still there’s a part of me that longs to be enthralled again.

Why is it that, even when we know how painful being in love can be, we still want to fall in love again? Of course our wants change – I certainly don’t want to end up feeling so trapped and helpless again. And I’d happily swap the dizzy happiness of love’s intoxication for the stability that was so lacking in my last relationship.

But still there’s part of me that hankers for that intoxication. Those days when the world just seems brilliant with emotion. I don’t know how to explain its attraction – but I know that while the wiser part of me is cautious, there is still a part of me that longs to be enthralled again. (Enthralled seems the perfect word for this blissful imprisonment!) I suppose part-cautious, part-hopeful is a good position to be in, given the pain and the happiness that relationships can bring.

For the monday mural at poefusion – artwork by Brian at photobucket.

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6 responses to “Enthralled heart

  1. May your wish to be enthralled never fade. And may its actuality be yours as well though it peaks and valleys and peaks and valleys (the enthrallment does) through years of being together…but somehow, it never goes away when once you find him.

    I know diddly squat about poetry but enjoyed this entry. And that you purused the discipline of rhyme.

    And the artwork with it! – all makes for an excellent piece!

  2. People always give themselves another shot at love despite the many setbacks and falls because deep down in our hearts, we’re convinced that each of us are destined to be with a soulmate, one who we can look forward to grow old with, and one who’ll help us to let go of our past hurts and erase all of our wrongdoings, and emerge a better and stronger person. (: There’s always a strong desire in each individual to be accepted and loved by someone.

  3. Oops, i forgot to add, i’m from Singapore and i enjoyed reading this entry! Glad to have stumbled onto your blog.

  4. I like your storytelling here. Interesting interpretation of the prompt.

    -Nicole

  5. Ah, love with its ups and downs can certainly be a challenge. My advice to you is to not give up on love as you can share the intoxication and the stability with the right person. My second husband has continually shone me that. Your special someone is still waiting patiently for you to arrive. Hope your night is going well.

  6. Thanks for these thoughtful comments. I’m not giving up on love – I suppose it’s more that I value the stability more than the intoxication these days. And while part of me does crave that amazing just-fallen-in-love feeling, it has such a huge potential to dazzle our eyes so we don’t see how little potential for stability is there.

    I suppose it’s like chocolate cake… lovely and tempting, but you can’t live on that alone!

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