I feel a strange tranquillity at the moment.
My job is really very challenging, with a lot to learn and a lot to manage. Because of my role I’m also quite isolated within my team, though they are a friendly lot. And I’m in that stage of not really being settled into my new life here – it always takes time to establish new friends and new social activities, and I’ve only been here less than 3 weeks. And though I brought quite a lot of books out with me I’ve read and re-read them until I’m fed up with them, and the rest of my library hasn’t caught up with me yet! On one level I should be feeling stressed and demoralised and lonely and bored.
And yet I feel this strange feeling of relaxation, of sufficiency. A feeling that the waves may be big but I’m a tough little boat navigating the best course I can.
Perhaps this is another bonus of the heartbreak and turbulence of last year, and the enormously strengthened self-confidence with which I have emerged. Some of my worst interpersonal nightmares came true in an intense period of self-doubt made almost unbearable by the strangely physical agony of heartbreak. And yet I survived, and not only survived but came out strengthened.
I can’t imagine anything at work that would approach that level of deeply personal pain and stress, so it seems silly to worry about what this job will be like. And I am doing my best to keep to the advice I gave myself on my first day, which is basically about having realistic expectations of myself. Yes, it will be difficult, but I have confidence in my own ability to not only survive difficulties but learn and grow in the process.
Photo by merlineden at flickr