Today in the office I opened a folder of papers and came across a poem about my ex, which I had completely forgotten writing. Here it is:
Alone in darkness my warrior fights
The shadows of the darkness that is
The darkness of his riven mind.
I stand alone, unable to see
The dragons and shadows he faces.
Seeing only my shadow on the lonely plain.
Sometimes his flailing sword
Strikes me – and, wounded, I fall.
And the ghost of my pain besets him too
So he withdraws from me, spurns me
From love and fear too tight to unwind
And I sit lonely within my hurt, and weep.
I am unable to stop the tears.
For my love is irrelevant
In the darkness of his night,
But my tears cannot pierce the shadows,
Without becoming in their turn
Shadows to persecute him.
He is gone from me. How long I cannot say
For even if he wins he may never return.
And my heart is closing over as I try to endure.
And maybe one day he will win, and return
To find my heart turned to stone,
In a pool of tears on the empty plain.
The poem was dated 29 October, so I was able to work out when I wrote it – the day before my ex, with a cold and bitter anger that broke my heart, put an end to communication between us.
The poem is unpolished and ragged, but I feel it has a sincerity and poignancy that vividly reminds me of how I felt in those painful days of ambiguity. It showed me just how far I have come in my journey of recovery – but also briefly reawakened the pain of vanished dreams and lost love.
I think it’s true that the people we have loved deeply always have a place in our hearts – in this case a strand of intense but painful memory.
It does not cloud my present happiness, but I think it will never entirely leave me.
(photo by Ms Tiggsy at flickr)