Mostly I feel strong and confident, but every now and again my strength deserts me.
Mostly I feel that I’m on a journey to exactly where I need to be, but right now I feel lost in an endless maze of choices I don’t know how to make.
The confident and energetic joy of the last few weeks has suddenly vanished, leaving me tired, afraid and sad – and lonely.
It’s not really the break-up or the damage his words did to my confidence that’s bothering me any more. It’s more the difficult choices and fears about what I want to do in the future. So many challenging, important questions that I need to answer, about who I am and what I want. But it’s about the future, not the past.
Still, I’ve noticed that when something starts to get to me, like my lack of answers is doing now, it makes all the other painful emotions of the last few months well up again. I suddenly find myself yearning for last summer when my confidence was high, both my life and my love life were going well, and the choices seemed obvious and easy.
Of course I wouldn’t actually choose to go back to that time, because I have learnt so many things since then – but I do miss that feeling of being in just the right place! I know am the only one who can face my fears and make my choices – but I sometimes long for someone at my side who can stand beside me and hold my hand in those times when my own strength falters.
Over time I’ve started to accept these occasional low periods as part of a natural cycle – recovering, faltering, grieving, dealing with a bit more pain and confusion, and then recovering again. As if the psyche somehow measures out the painful emotions we have to feel into manageable doses, and allows us a little respite time between each dose.
Feeling low is never pleasant, but I’m starting to accept that this is not a reversal of healing, but part and parcel of the healing process itself. And so I try to be gentle with myself, deal with what I have to without judging myself harshly, and wait for the cycle to come back to a more peaceful phase. And when I can do that, the pain is somehow more peaceful, and dissipates more quickly.
And sometimes you get unexpected gifts, as I did this morning. I’ve been looking for songs about healing a broken heart, and posted requests on a few groups for repertoire suggestions. And this morning a very kind stranger sent me this:
Far across the sea on this world so round
the sun is shining hot right now.
And even though the winter now surrounds this town,
I can still feel that sun somehow
And I know that my sun will shine,
Just as sure as the world can spin.
I can hold on fine, ’cause it’s almost time
for that sun to come round again
When the world seems cold
and your heart grows dark,
and loneliness falls on you,
think how seasons change
and don’t think it strange
if your life goes in circles, too.
(Love comes around, David Wilcox)