Words that sing

Yesterday’s melancholy song:

I had learned to live in fear,
The voices in my head
overflowed the air:

“Without you I’ll never be.
“I’ll never be!”

Exterminating by backspace:

I key in and expunge
echoes of voices from afar
take a knife to blatant out right lies:

“You called it constant drama - you never knew.
“You never knew!”

The sound of another morning:

Into the dark recess of my mind,
the eager sun sneaks in bits of light
from my earnest reflections:

“The voices in my head were never really there.”
“Were never really there!”

I go on without my disguise:

Brightening parts my world,
and brings me home again
without the mask I hid behind:

“The me that I have always known.”
“Me!”

This is a patchwork poem, drawing on poems by:

Writerwoman at The shores of my dreams:
Gautami at Rooted
Lissa at Just Writing Words
Paisley at Just Paisley

I’ve done a little tweaking here and there, but they’re basically their words, not mine, so many thanks for permission to play with these great poems. You can find out what these poets have done with the same original material and learn more about patchwork poems at the Patchwork Poetry blog.

I also owe thanks to dakini at flickr for the lovely photo….

Post 101 seems a good milestone to reflect on what I’ve been blogging about over the last three months and where I want to go with my blog next… a lot has happened since I started this blog in February.

Loving - When I started this blog I was still very much preoccupied and miserable following the break-up. In particular, I was deeply frustrated at being unable to express, to my ex, what I had been feeling and learning. The blog has really helped me here - somehow expressing these things in a public forum has helped me to feel that I have said what I needed to say. And while there’s no reason why he should ever read this blog, the fact that it’s theoretically possible for him to read this honest and frank version of my experiences, has had some of the same effect as writing to him would have done. Already I find I am writing about him far less than at the beginning, and I suspect there won’t be much more. Though I am continuing to write the “Songs to heal a broken heart” cycle and will be posting the recording of one of the songs shortly, as promised. 

Singing and Writing - In February I was confused and frustrated with my singing - finding that most of the music I was used to singing was too emotionally loaded for me to be able to sing it without crying. And feeling deeply frustrated that this came about at a time when I should have been trying to make progress professionally, doing auditions and so on. Both through blogging itself and through posting my poems, I have discovered a new creative outlet in my writing. This, and my newly discovered song-writing, seems to allow me to express myself in a way that’s even more important to me. I’ve also relaxed about the professional singing - it’s not the only thing that matters to me, and I think I would probably find it deeply frustrating and demoralising to do it professionally. I’m exploring a new creative path, and somehow doing it with a new integrity. My writing, and the singing I do, are much more intimately connected to who I am.  There will definitely be more poems - and I’d like to start writing some short stories as well as the poems. And as I start to get back into my singing again, and try to find performance opportunities here, I think I will be writing more about singing too.

Living - I was also deeply frustrated at work, not feeling challenged or stimulated, and feeling dragged down by the boredom of doing things that were routine. I also felt that there was nowhere for me to go in that career path, but didn’t feel ready to move on to anything else. Suddenly an opportunity came up, and I was successful in getting a new and challenging job which has brought me to a new country. The new life has its challenges, but I’m already making progress in tackling the loneliness inevitable in the early days (a social engagement almost every day this week which is great!). And there is a satisfaction in finding myself up to the new challenge - it requires me to go beyond my comfort levels. This isn’t really a work blog, because describing too much of what I do would completely blow my anonymity, but I will probably continue to reflect, in general terms, on things that might be of interest.

Sharing - A very important part of this journey has been making connections with other bloggers and watching their thoughts or artistic endeavours or emotional lives develop day by day. I have particularly enjoyed the collaborative writing - it’s fascinating to see how other people respond to different material. And the encouraging comments I’ve received have been a deep satisfaction. The listeners are an an important part of the storytelling, and to have an audience both perceptive and supportive is a real encouragement.  I look forward to continuing this dialogue and meeting new blog-friends!

Thanks for being part of my journey, readers…