What is this fear
that leaps at me
out of the night?
out of my heart?
How does it freeze
to sudden silence
the will to sing?
the will to speak?
What sun will come
with healing warmth
to thaw my speech?
to thaw my life?
For my heart’s song
is caged like a bird.
What key releases?
What key frees song?
No-one else can,
and I must choose:
Be my own cage?
Be my own sun?
(A poem reflecting on my recent post Taking a risk – in singing.)
I’ve also learnt some new things in the process – not least finding out more about other people interested in a spiritual journey that is founded on a naturalistic approach to the world. And I’m starting to investigate new possibilities for collaborative writing which seems very interesting.
I’ve expressed also some of my thoughts on issues that have been in my mind, and in doing so I feel I’ve moved forward myself. I’ve definitely moved on to a new phase in recovering from the break-up, and in planning what I want to do next. I hope I’ve also said some things that will be useful or interesting to people interested in similar ideas or on similar journeys.
I’ve still got plenty of ideas for other things to talk about – including the masks we wear, how much time pressure is healthy, how our image of a person we love(d) changes. And I’m sure there are lots of other things that will come up – for me this is a time of reflection and experiment, so I don’t think I’m going to run out of ideas for things to say any time soon!
I’d love to know who’s out there reading what I’m writing – so if you’ve not done so yet, please introduce yourself and let me know what you think, or what you’d like to ask me.
A few days ago I wrote about how surviving a very personal rejection made me much more confident in expressing my own truth (taking a risk). I also wrote about my fears about contemplating a professional career as a singer (creativity, confidence and love).
Today I was amazed by the way these two issues came together in a singing lesson. (Not from my regular singing teacher, who’s not around much at the moment, but one of her former students, whose doing very well at present!) Essentially her approach was to focus on one very specific sensation in the cheekbones, and follow that sensation, allowing the rest of the body to be relaxed and responsive. And not to manufacture or influence the sound in any way.
It’s really hard, because up until the last 2 years I’d been doing all sorts of little tricks to make the voice come out the way I wanted. But the intervention actually gets in the way of the full resonance of the voice. It makes the voice much more “produced”, and less immediate and intimate.
I’ve been working to get rid of all the little tricks and tensions – but every time I felt a little nervous about a note, or wanted a phrase to come out a particular way, they would creep straight back in, and I’d lose more than I gained. A frustrating process.
Anyway, towards the end of the lesson the teacher said that what I really needed now was to own my voice. To dare to reveal it the way it is. To stop tweaking and listening and interfering. To let go of expectations of what sound I want to produce, and just let my body sing the way it knows best.
And so, in effect, to present my authentic voice – as I had been learning the confidence to be my authentic self.
I’d been thinking that the break-up, in stopping me singing for a few months, had really got in the way of my professional aspirations. But the break up also taught me some important lessons about confidence and trust in myself, and above all shown me that I can survive being rejected. I’ve taken a real step forward in applying that confidence to my life. I want to see if I can now apply it to my singing.
Rejections come thick and fast in the early stages of being a professional singer, and some people never get beyond that stage. Having your voice and performance rejected by a panel of auditioners, often without any explanation, is painful, because both voice and performance are very personal.
But I have survived a rejection of me on a deeply personal level, at the hands of an intimate and trusted lover. Why should I be afraid of being rejected as a singer by an audition panel of strangers?
Posted in hoping, living, recovering, singing
Tagged authentic, break-up, confidence, creativity, future, honest, love, music, singing
