Notes from my search so far (subject to revision at any time!):
- Above all, be myself – focus on meeting my own needs and realising my own dreams, and growing towards wholeness myself, so I’m ready for a real relationship when the opportunity arises.
- Look out for other people who are trying to do the same, and try to get to know them. Indeed just generally spend lots of time getting to know people
- Spend time with people who like me the way I am, and who can be honest without being judgmental
- Take the time to get to know people. Give people second chances – and third chances.
- Believe that people can grow and change, but never push them to do so.
- Don’t ignore the feeling that things aren’t right with a friend or a lover – face the problem and if you can’t resolve it, move on. (I think the biggest block to finding a soulmate is the time we waste trying to convince ourselves that the person we’re with at the time is our soulmate and ignoring the problems that tell us we’re not in the right place.)
- Don’t get obsessed with looking, just stay open to what comes.
- Know what really matters (for me, communication is definitely one of them), but in everything else, be open to suprises.
- People change. Even when you find a powerful connection, don’t expect that you’ll stay together forever – be open to the relationship and willing to fight for it but also able to let go.
- Spend less time blogging? Well, it’s good to reflect on all of this and explore these thoughts, but I mustn’t overdo it, anyway
Overoptimistic? Well, perhaps. But the good thing about all of this is that, even if I never find my soulmate(s), this is all good material for a satisfying life!
In the last three days I’ve had three dates with two different men. Both very nice, both apparently attracted to me, and keen to meet again. And it was fun starting to get to know each other.
So why is it that those dates intensify the feeling of missing my ex? Because with these two lovely men there is something missing – the instinctive mental connection that my ex and I had from our first date. Soulmate is the word that comes to me – he had an intelligence, an eloquence, a playfulness and a seriousness that just fitted so well with mine. Yes, there was also physical attraction, and a need in me to be held and loved – but this connection was so pure and powerful it astonished me, and above all the rest was what made me fall in love so deeply.
And that was what set me up for the pain that followed. The person I felt connected to so deeply suddenly vanished, leaving me with someone in the same body who could no longer be my soulmate, and did not reciprocate the connection. Even as he was in full flight from the distress the broken connection caused me, it was hard to give up. How could I help but fight to restore what I had lost – that deep and precious connection that I knew would be hard to find again.
When I tried to keep communication open between us, he said that I was clinging to him out of neediness and a wish for his approval. There were some elements of that, but it was really peripheral to the powerful desire to maintain that special connection. And I have confirmation of that now – if it were just approval and attention I wanted, I would surely feel satisfied now. But I am still yearning for a deep connection with another human being – which came out in my post To my valentine.
It’s possible that I’ll find that connection with one of the men I’ve dated recently, but we’ve not got there yet. It may just be that I’m feeling a bit sore and cautious, and still need a bit more time to heal. Or that I need to come closer to sorting out where I want to be in my life – I have always believed that when you’re in the right space in your life, the right partner will appear. So my priority is sorting out what I want to do in my life, and getting there. But In the meantime, there’s no harm in casting my net and increasing the number of new people I meet.
Of course it will be different next time, as one human is different from another. There is a bit of me that still hankers after what is now gone, but I am working on looking forward rather than back, because expectations will only get in the way of making a new connection. And I also know how much I have changed and grown in recent months – the right soulmate for me now will be different and new. I wonder who it will be.
[PS - There’s a lovely post about soulmates by Paul at Cafe Philos, which gave me a real boost by sharing my belief that it’s possible to have more than one soulmate . I hope we’re both right about that!]